I Wish…

​I wish I could say this feeling is unfamiliar
I wish I could say that my vision is still clear
I wish I could say I haven’t given in to fear
I wish I could say I’d rather be here.

I wish I could say this feeling is unfamiliar
That my heart has never been torn apart
That my blood has always run this cold
That my soul, somehow, is still whole

I wish I could say my vision is still clear
That my eyes have not been blinded by tears
That I could hold back this grief
Even for a moment, however brief

I wish I could say I haven’t given in to fear
That I still believe in love despite how things may appear
That what didn’t kill me made me stronger
That my heart won’t hurt for much longer

I wish I could say I’d rather be here
That, at the very least I could be sincere
I wish I could say everything is as it seems
I wish I could say exactly what I mean

 

The Outcome

The outcome is not the main focus.

The main focus is the How.

Trust the process.

Learn.

Grow.

Outside

Outside, water trickles into a bucket.  drip. drip. drip.

Outside, a beetle is ambushed by driver ants. It’s putting up a fight. For its life.

Outside, a gust of wind surges past, rattling the iron sheet.

Outside, baboons chatter animatedly, after a successful raid on a nearby homestead.

Outside, a hen cackles helplessly after losing her two remaining chicks. They didn’t die; she just doesn’t know where they are. She literally lost them. Like the other three.

Outside, the two girls who live next door are chatting. They always have something to talk about.

Outside, a kite(bird) glides in the wind.

Outside, the one-eyed stray cat, almost symmetrically black and white, black on the left, white on the right, except for the face, tail and paws(grey, of course), is taking a nap.

Outside, music from the movie shop rents the air.

Outside, birds are suddenly chirping. Like they just realized it’s almost midday and they didn’t sing their morning songs.

Outside, the trees are dancing in the wind, like the wind is a song only they can understand.

Outside, two men talk about last night’s game. How the result was obvious.

Outside, a butterfly flutters. erratically.

Outside, behind his house, he smokes a blunt casually. Enjoying every hit. Always.

Outside, the tap runs dry, croaking out the drops as it breathes its last.

Outside, the ants carry away beetle’s remains. Yesterday a beautiful moth suffered the same fate. It wasn’t as slow to move as the beetle, but it had somehow fallen on its back and couldn’t turn over. In that helpless position it had been devoured, chunk by mothy chunk as it writhed in pain until it finally died.

Outside, a baby throws a tantrum. The toy she got isn’t the color she wanted.

Outside, a door closes. A padlock snaps. Footsteps walk away.

Outside, a bee buzzes from flower to flower, sampling the nectar.

Outside, a gentle wind caresses the bed sheet hung out to air. The way it undulates, like it’s being massaged… So beautiful.

Outside, a spider weaves a web across the mouth of a shoe, unaware it won’t last a day. The spiders here are always doing that. Damn spiders.

Outside, a cock crows; a crow caws.

Outside, the jalopy across the street wheezes to life, the exhaust coughing out a pathetic sputter.

Outside, a jerry can falls into a well. Its splash echoes in the opposite direction.

Outside, a motorcycle zooms past. The rider shrieking excitedly at the top of his voice. The thrill of speed.

Outside, a woman is washing utensils. She hums a local tune, punctuated by the clatter clang of pot and pan.

Tears

 

She wanted to cry

She really did

But life had already

Put her through so much

The well from which her tears sprung

Might have long since dried

 

She wanted to cry

Then she remembered,

The world didn’t give a fuck

The world….

 

She could cry all she wanted,

She would be a sitting duck

Floating,

On an ocean of tears

 

She wanted to cry

But she was afraid

Of drowning in her sorrows

Her fears greater than her tears

 

Sometimes a tear escaped,

But that was okay

To her one tear was enough

One tear was all the crying she needed

Answers

Answers

My reply didn’t even answer your question

You were already running

At the ensuing uncertainty

Of the situation,

Desperately afraid of unfamiliar territory

 

Yet you talk about honesty

Like it’s the stuff life is made of…

Like it’s the stuff you’re made of

And it’s not even enough as it is, in your life.

 

All talk.

At least practice what you preach

 

You talk about honesty

But still want me

To tell you

What you want to hear

 

You talk about honesty

But you’re living a lie

And this lie has become your truth

So yourself you can soothe

While the TRUTH you are so afraid to confront

Remains in ambiguity

Much to your comfort

 

So how am I to be honest with you,

When you’re not even honest with yourself?

lookin’ good

…She was having trouble walking with those shoes, she hated them. But he’d told her she looked good in them. And she liked it. They were rather uncomfortable, but She told herself would grow into to them. So she wore them tonight, promising herself, unconvincingly, that she would last the remainder of the night. It was only 11 pm, and it had taken her an hour to cover a 10 minute walk. She was clearly in distress, walking with a forward lean and an awkward limp. Her feet were on fire.

But it didn’t matter.

She looked good….